Gratitude and anger. We rarely talk about these two together but …

Is Anger the Opposite of Gratitude?

If you’ve been following the last three issues you know I have been going through a difficult time. In full transparency I am grieving the loss of a beautiful partnership. This breakup has been challenging. But you know this because you’ve seen the sadness even through my gratitude. So, yes, it’s been tough but I have wanted to share vulnerably and openly through it all. Don’t get me wrong, I have really wanted to share some old articles I have stockpiled, or repost some great ones, or even get a guest contributor. But that isn’t the realness that you are here for. This is why I like to write in real time because it shows the reality of a life of gratitude, the work of gratitude. Sometimes we are grieving. Sometimes we are hopeless. Sometimes we are confused or scattered. And if I can model real world gratitude then maybe you will also be inspired to practice gratitude no matter what. Or at least be open to the possibility of gratitude. Yesterday, after weeks of sadness, I felt angry. Angry at the breakup, angry at my ex, angry at all of the messed up things happening in the world. Angry at myself for getting myself into this situation. Anger with no reason whatsoever.

That brings me to anger.

If you google: anger gratitude. You will find that it is presented as a choice. You are either grateful or angry. But that was not my experience yesterday. And that took me back to a day two and a half years ago when I had a huge turning point with anger. I used to be one of those people who was never angry. Hurt, frustrated, all the other feelings but almost never angry.

Then on June 7, 2014, a couple months into my sobriety. I had an interaction with some mean girls who started making fun of me and laughing and talking about me. It was all very middle school but we were grown-ass women. Then what happened next took me by surprise. As I walked away I felt heat rise through my body and I realized I was fucking furious. Something so silly made me that angry. I noticed that emotion was powerful, just as powerful as joy or any other intense emotion. And it showed me that I wasn’t numb and that was a good thing. Emotions are beautiful. And I was grateful.

That’s when I embodied the concept that gratitude is not all about happiness. Later that day I wrote this:

I let the emotion come through me but I didn’t become an angry person. The emotion came and went as emotions do. But this time I didn’t judge myself for being angry. I just accepted my emotion and then released it. Yesterday that happened again as I moved through those stages of grief and landed on anger. This time when the anger came I welcomed it and reframed it as a good sign: I am making progress. I knew it wouldn’t be forever. Actually even as I type this I am no longer feeling angry.

But I did notice two new things. First, it sprung me into action. I did a little redecorating. I removed some things that were painful reminders. I felt my feelings and then moved into action. It reminded me of this beautiful advice by Karen Waconda of Laguna Pueblo, “Feel hate internally then consciously carry it out of mind before action.” My actions were not done in anger but the anger moved me into action.

Second, it reminded me of my values. It took me out of the self-pity I had been revisiting and reminded me of the things that are important to me. This is one of the gifts of anger. It invites us to look deeper and figure out what is so important to us that is screaming out to be noticed? “Anger is a very valuable feeling … It is a wake up call. It tells us that I’m thinking in ways almost guaranteed not to meet my needs … Because my energy is not connected to my needs and I’m not even aware of what my needs are when I’m angry.” ~Marshall Rosenberg

Which brings me to gratitude.