The boy scrawled those words on the gratitude board “doo doo head”. His family jumped to criticize but no one asked him what he meant.
We Are So Damn Quick To Judge Others
Yesterday I had the giant gratitude board at a community event celebrating love. It was beautiful with hundreds of people sharing their gratitude for all to see. Gratitude and love were at every turn with love notes and love gifts and gratitude sharing. At one point I was silently observing the gratitude board from afar. A young boy probably ten years old confidently walked up to the gratitude board. This board is a large chalkboard that has “I am grateful for ______________.” printed repeatedly across the surface of the board. It silently invites people to share their gratitude with others who see it. So this boy approached the board and without hesitation picked up a piece of chalk, reached up high to a blank line and wrote these words: doo doo head. As he returned to his family the criticism began.
“That’s not gratitude.”
“That’s not what this is for.”
The remarks drew even more attention from his other family members which brought out scowls and head shaking and then a “What are you doing?” and finally a “What’s wrong with you?”.
I began walking over to him, unsure what I would say. I knew that I wanted the gratitude board to be a safe space for expression. The judgment from his family seemed so shaming to me. And because they spoke so loudly it seemed that they were concerned what we thought about them. As I approached him I clammed up. I decided that I didn’t want to put myself in the middle of their family process. I realized that I don’t know the back story, I don’t know this child and I don’t know the family. I wanted to tell him that it was OK. That he could write whatever he wanted on the board. But instead I stayed out of it.
What stands out to me the most about all of this is that no one, myself included, took the time to ask him what he meant. We weren’t curious. Instead we all quickly judged. They judged him and I judged them. He may have been genuinely grateful for doo doo head. I bet there is gratitude somewhere in there. Even if he was doing it to be silly and to get attention I bet he is grateful for his humor and the attention he gets for it. Or maybe he didn’t even know what the board was all about. I wonder if anyone has ever shared their genuine gratitude with him before or asked him what he was grateful for.
I did not have a problem with his doo doo head gratitude. At first I wasn’t sure about it which reminded me of these other gratitudes I have been unsure about:
dank weed
nothing
sexy bitches
my terrible attitude
not remembering what I did last night
for not maiming/murdering lately
I questioned these in my head when they have shown up either on the board or in the facebook group. But in the end I have never erased or deleted any of them. Because if someone says they are grateful for something, who am I to judge whether it “counts” as gratitude? I have decided that I will only delete/erase if people write hate language or any personal attacks. So far I have never had to delete or erase anyone’s gratitude.
All of this reminds me of something I do every once in a while, allowing people to share secret gratitude anonymously. Because sometimes we are grateful for things that we wouldn’t dare utter out of fear of judgment. A lot of those secret gratitude posts have been about sex, others have been about substance abuse, domestic violence, secret crushes, and some didn’t really seem secret at all but still people would rather share them anonymously.
I am all for sharing of gratitude in whatever way we are comfortable whether that is in our private community, on social media, in-person, by email or text. So let’s do our part to make the world a safe place for people to feel comfortable sharing their truth. Part of that is listening with compassion. Showing love no matter what instead of criticizing each other. Harry Palmer guides us in this, “When you adopt the viewpoint that there is nothing that exists that is not part of you, that there is no one who exists who is not part of you, that any judgment you make is self-judgment, that any criticism you level is self-criticism, you will wisely extend to yourself an unconditional love that will be the light of the world.”
It is difficult to live without judging others. If you have to judge, then judge with love.
~Debasish Mridha
What gratitude would you express if you knew that no one would judge you?
FORGOTTEN GRATITUDE: Last week I was also grateful for three planets in formation by the moon – A powerful opening ceremony of love and spirit – Breaks in each day from my aching head.
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[su_note note_color=”#e7e7e7″ text_color=”#686767″ radius=”0″] My gratitude journey started in May 2011 and continues to this day. Thank you for being a part of it! A daily gratitude practice is simple. Write down three things you are grateful for each day. Download your free GratitudeGuide. My clients focus on gratitude and learn from their successes to make the positive changes they want in their lives. You can too. Call me to set up our first meeting 505.333.9336. [/su_note]