A Deep Open-Minded Noticing
Right now I am sitting in a hospital room with my girlfriend. She has an undiagnosed terribly painful condition which is a cycle of nausea and extreme pain that comes in waves of abdominal spasms. She yells out in pain her face pale and red, her eyes pleading for it to go away. The nurse just gave her pain and nausea medication in her IV so I'm sure she will experience a little relief soon. It is really hard to see her in so much pain. To sit there powerless while she suffers.
So today I am writing on the topic of curiosity and gratitude and it is for me. I need this. It might seem like a weird topic. The obvious topics might be about how witnessing suffering can help remind us all the ways we are not suffering. Or about how gratitude increases our compassion. But in this moment those concepts are just at another level that is slightly out of my reach. What I need right now is a distraction but not an unhealthy numbing type of distraction.
In between spasms, she is able to have a moment of relief. I was encouraging her to breath slowly and deeply and to unclench her muscles. Then at one point as I was advising her I realized that I was tensed up and holding my breath. I realized I was not being present, fearing the next spasm. Just as she was.
I relaxed my jaw and took a deep breath but I was still anticipating her debilitating pain that lurked around the next breath. Then the screams of pain were here again. That sound of her pain, that is what is so hard to endure. So I decided I should focus on what I can see, with curiosity.
Curiosity can be such a blessing. It takes noticing to a whole other level. It is expansive instead of limiting. When we are curious we are asking questions, not answering them. Possibilities we never even imagined can emerge. First step in curiosity is to let go of our expectations and even let go of our beliefs. Then all we have to do is notice and then notice more. Sometimes I will try to notice as many new things as I can. Other times I will just focus on one or two things and then keep looking deeper and deeper.
That's what I did earlier. During those moments of relief between spasms I turned my attention to noticing something new. I noticed that when I reminded her to relax she really delved into it. I could see her breath slowing. I saw goose bumps on her arms begin to disappear. I noticed my own breath beginning to match her breath unless I consciously focused on it. I noticed her eyes soften. Then when the pain returned I could see it coming over her body like a crashing wave. I could see her strength. I could see her bravery. Then I saw her yells of pain differently. It is her strength-rallying battle cry as she fights through the wave that broke over her head, floating when the wave receded and then surfing over the next one. I love that the curiosity turned it from her being a victim to her being a skillfully empowered surfer.
I was so proud of her and grateful for her ability to relax in between each one. She was so present and engaged in every breath. Now the IV bag is sucked dry and the soothing medication has done it's magic. Her eyes are closed. I notice the light shining on her skin, tan and pink, full of life. I notice the slower breathing of relief, hers and mine. And I am so grateful.
The more I noticed and appreciated these small pleasures, the more I seemed to have to write about. I was seeing proof that whatever you focus on will expand.
~Barbara Winter
What is something new you notice about something familiar? What gratitude do you find?
LEARNING: Every Monday, before I write, I reread my gratitude from the past week, reflecting on some lesson learned. Today, I am learning how much value I get out of rereading my gratitude. I have been on a bit of a roller coaster physically and emotionally and rereading all of this gratitude from different situations (feeling peaceful, bored, stressed, etc.) is like a big comforting blanket draped over my shoulders.
FORGOTTEN GRATITUDE: Last week I was also grateful for feelings reemerging that were dormant for so long … Recharged healing obsidian … Shutting down my computer so I was not tempted to work.
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[su_note note_color=”#e7e7e7″ text_color=”#686767″ radius=”0″] My gratitude journey started in May 2011 and continues to this day. Thank you for being a part of it! A daily gratitude practice is simple. Write down three things you are grateful for each day. Download your free GratitudeGuide. My clients focus on gratitude and learn from their successes to make the positive changes they want in their lives. You can too. Call me to set up our first meeting 505.333.9336. [/su_note]