I just couldn’t find gratitude in that situation so I looked away.
You have heard my gratitude time and time again for the toads in my backyard. From mating calls, eggs, tadpoles, back to toads their life cycle brings me so much joy. When I bought this house the backyard was a wasteland of weeds and dog poop. (Full disclosure: It still has its share of both.) But years ago I put in a pond and since that day summer life in my backyard is a beautiful thing. I built it and they came out of nowhere: toads, birds and dragon flies. These toads with their loud mating calls are harbingers of summer and they have always been a symbol of hope for me. Hope that I can build something and those dreams can be realized. And those realized dreams can bring other living beings and improve their lives too.
Unfortunately my story today is not about hope. It is about those moments when you can’t find the good in a situation. When you try to see it from a different perspective but no matter how you reframe it, it just stinks of insincerity. I had one of those moments a week and a half ago. *Attention sensitive types, you might want to skip the rest of this paragraph.* My dogs, wild animals that they are, maimed and dismembered two toads. When I found the toads they were still alive but suffering; struggling to breath. It was terrible. I knew that morally I had to quickly end their lives and their suffering. It was not easy and it took me a lot longer than I thought it would to muster up the courage to act. I finally did it and afterward their big toad mouths seemed to smile at me. And that pissed me off. This was not a happy ending. Not for me. Not for the toads. This is no fake smiley face on an ugly situation. The burial and blessings and tears did not wash away any of the sadness I felt.
I handled it. I did what I needed to do. I didn’t like it and I still don’t like it. Normally, when I write about finding gratitude in a negative situation I talk about looking into the situation and finding gratitude there. But this time that did not work for me. Whatever good I could find in the situation did not bring gratitude. Some of the good seemed fake and others just didn’t feel right to appreciate. So I learned something about myself. Sometimes I just can’t find gratitude and that’s OK. Instead what I did was look away and find gratitude elsewhere. That night this was the gratitude I shared:
I’m grateful for disconnecting from internet and phone service. I’m grateful for this clear beautiful night with stars glowing bright over the tops of pine trees. I’m grateful for being heard and understood, such a relief. I’m grateful for traditions with my family, growing, changing and reconnecting out here in the forest.
I couldn’t find gratitude in that situation so I just looked away. I saw so many other things that made me feel authentic gratitude that day. That one negative situation held my thoughts but it was not the whole story. One moment never is.
[su_quote cite=”Elizabeth Gilbert”]The women whom I love and admire for their strength and grace did not get that way because shit worked out. They got that way because shit went wrong, and they handled it. They handled it in a thousand different ways on a thousand different days, but they handled it.[/su_quote]
This Week’s Gratitude Question
[su_button url=”http://www.ourgratitudecollective.com/activity/” background=”#178fb3″]What seemingly bad situation are you grateful that you handled with grace?[/su_button]
My Gratitude Experience Last Week
A lot of time when I write my gratitude I am sitting on the couch or laying in bed right before I go to sleep. That scenery is so fixed so it is nice to go outside and be in nature. Really any changes in scenery can help. It opens my perspective and gives me more sights, sounds and feelings on my skin to draw inspiration from.
Forgotten Gratitude
Last week I was also grateful for two young girls sitting next to their bikes in a field of green, sun shining bright before it sunk below the trees; the picture it created was a story of a thousand carefree summers … The library for wandering, focused searches and for magazine trades.
A New eCard
Image by Antonia Montoya
The Gratitude I Shared Last Week
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| Sun | 5/31/2015 | I’m grateful for being able to work, relax, grocery shop and fix the swamp cooler … I’m grateful for Emilio robot dancing live and the video … I’m grateful for being able to restock our fridge and cupboards. |
| Sat | 5/30/2015 | I’m grateful for being home in my bed and for being able to sleep on the drive home … Toads, so relieved there are survivors … Getting exactly what I wanted to eat earlier, I thought it up and then the reality was even better. |
| Fri | 5/29/2015 | I’m so grateful I followed the direction of today’s question and went outside to take in the sky. I really needed that after way too long looking at screens. I’m grateful for the quiet of my street at night, and for the syncopated chorus of crickets. I’m grateful for water I just can’t get enough this week. I’m grateful for a partner in crime for middle of the night junk food. |
| Thu | 5/28/2015 | I’m so grateful for that moment earlier, a shared moment … A tour of the curandera’s healing garden … A solitary walk just what I needed to get out of my head, looking up at the blooming century plant agave, intriguing and a home to neighborhood birds … I’m grateful for a great end-of-contract meeting with one of my clients, being entrusted with confidential information, providing a valuable service. |
| Wed | 5/27/2015 | I’m grateful for seeing Alma so very proud of her painted rock creations … Loved loved loved Mad Max and grateful for laughing at my intense ridiculous popcorn eating … Today was definitely a run around day and I was so grateful earlier when I could just let go and really relax. |
| Tue | 5/26/2015 | So today definitely didn’t go as planned but I am grateful that I didn’t let it get me down. I kept working and did some things I had been putting off. Grateful to have some more order in my office. Grateful I didn’t have one telemarketing call today. Grateful I could relax this evening in my comfy pants and didn’t have to be anywhere our do anything. I’m grateful that the one call I did get today was from the perfect person; we always talk gratitude. |
| Mon | 5/25/2015 | I’m grateful to be home and for warm running water especially the shower after three days off camping … Celebrating my dad today, I love him so much, his big heart and playful ways, his sense of adventure and his athletic endeavors, always making family his priority … Laughing with my family today and whenever we’re together … I’m grateful for my clean comfy bed. |
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[su_note note_color=”#e7e7e7″ text_color=”#686767″ radius=”0″] My gratitude journey started in May 2011 and continues to this day. Thank you for being a part of it! A daily gratitude practice is simple. Write down three things you are grateful for each day. Download your free GratitudeGuide. My clients focus on gratitude and learn from their successes to make the positive changes they want in their lives. You can too. Call me to set up our first meeting 505.333.9336. [/su_note]