You Are Your Own Best Friend
We are on our third of six weeks of focusing on our inner selves to be the change we wish to see in the world. This week is all about self-compassion.
Last week we talked about accepting and respecting ourselves no matter what. But we can take that one step further. We can be understanding with ourselves and kind to ourselves. Do you ever notice your self-talk, the things you say to yourself in your head? Are they warm and loving, judging and critical, or downright harsh and abusive? Our self-talk is not only our thoughts but also our unconscious beliefs. So here is my personal self-talk paradox. I tend to verbally berate myself for judging someone I care about. I believe that I should not judge others especially people I love. Well here I am judging myself for judging. Self-compassion is my key to getting out of this paradox.
What is Self-Compassion?
Compassion is understanding. It is knowing that we are all human and we all have universal needs. We all have the full range of feelings. Maybe you don’t agree with what someone did to get their needs met. Maybe you regret something you did to get your needs met. Regardless, we can have some understanding that humans suffer with unmet needs and failed strategies to get those needs met and difficult emotions that emerge when their needs aren’t met. Think of a baby learning to walk, falling, getting frustrated because they are unable to ask for what they need. Some people are naturally compassionate people who see the true essence of others, the wholeness of their beings, the God within them. Others work to be compassionate, to build on those skills so they are more easily accessible. But very few of us are naturally compassionate with ourselves. Most of us have to work on our self-compassion skills.
This morning I said something that I regret to someone I love. Because I am fortunate to be writing this article and practicing this I was able to give myself some understanding. It was hard at first because I know better than to say things out of anger. Then I imagined that a friend was in my situation and told me the story. I knew that I would be understanding with her and tell her that what she did was understandable. I would have given her a big hug. I would have shown her love with my eye contact and I would have told her that I see the love inside her that is her true being. And just like that I was immediately released from the bind of self-hatred and was filled with my love. My self-compassion led to self-love. What a relief. And what a beautiful way to honor my creator.
Practice Self-Compassion
Notice and Feel
- What are your thoughts?
- What are you feeling?
- What universal needs (like autonomy, love, to be heard, belonging, etc.) do you have that you are trying to meet?
Accept
- Accept your thoughts. They are natural.
- Accept your feelings. Emotions are not right or wrong. They just are.
- Accept your needs. We all have them.
Tell Yourself
- Think of the most compassionate, gentle, loving person you know. Maybe it’s not a person at all. Maybe it is a pet or even a place. Imagine that they are in your head. What would they say? Imagine they are next to you, what would they do? They have taught you compassion. Imitate them and practice on your self.
- Place your hand on your heart (or any other body part that feels gentle).
- Tell yourself that know that you are suffering. “This hurts.”
- Tell yourself that you are not alone. “We all struggle like this.”
- Wish yourself blessings. “May I be gentle with myself. May I understand what it’s like. May I accept and respect myself.”
Appreciate
- Find gratitude for yourself. For all the ways you are gentle with yourself. For the effort you are making to be self-compassionate even if you are not an expert at it yet.
- What are you grateful for about the difficulties you are experiencing right now?
- What are you learning? Are you grateful you learned that?
- Are you grateful that you are human and can feel the full range of emotions? Are you grateful that you are not numbing out your emotions?
- What values are important to you that this situation is making clear? What are you grateful for about those values?
- Who or what has taught you compassion? What are you grateful you learned from them?
We are exploring and caring for our inner selves through gratitude. Six weeks of self-awareness, learning new skills and practicing them:
This is not a linear process each of these topics and practices will cycle back into the others. As we look at our inner selves we will find gratitude and it will help us accept, have compassion, love, care, and grow.
[su_quote cite=”LeRoy Pollock”]Be fully awake to everything about you & the more you learn the more you can appreciate & get a full measure of joy & happiness out of life.[/su_quote]
This Week’s Gratitude Question
[su_button url=”http://www.ourgratitudecollective.com/activity/” background=”#178fb3″]In what ways are you grateful for your ability to be understanding and kind to yourself?[/su_button]
My Gratitude Experience Last Week
One day this week I was really nervous about sharing my gratitude. It was the one year alcohol-free post and I was so worried about including the vomiting piece. I guess I still have some shame about the fact that I would vomit from drinking. I was also worried that people would judge me for it. Well I was truly grateful for it and I realized that it is their choice if they want to judge me. I can’t control that. I decided to share from a truly open and vulnerable place anyway and I’m glad I did.
Forgotten Gratitude
Last week I was also grateful for Venus and the sliver moon … Having the guts to walk out of a movie we couldn’t stand … Catching up with Karen, it had been way way way too long.
A New eCard
Image by Antonia Montoya
The Gratitude I Shared Last Week
[su_table]
| Sun | 3/29/2015 | I’m grateful for a delicious cinnamon roll treat, a most tender pot roast and a scary movie … I’m grateful for the toads welcoming in spring with their mating call … A nice back hug moment … Time with my sisters on the sunny patio. |
| Sat | 3/28/2015 | I’m grateful for candlelight and nostalgic songs, silliness and contagious rhythms … A powerful group of wise women gathered together creating, sharing, learning, being … Trusting and releasing in so many ways. |
| Fri | 3/27/2015 | I’m grateful for spending quality time with Nicole and the unbridled joy and wonder of Eva … Perfect trigger timing … Giving my body what it needed, no analyzing, explanations, nothing but feelings, acceptance and self-care. |
| Thu | 3/26/2015 | I’m grateful for one year of learning about myself, being vulnerable, facing my fears, being honest with myself, learning all the real ways that I am cool, being clear of mind, accepting myself and my emotions even anger, saving a ton of money, having a greater connection to spirit, having the confidence to be outgoing with strangers, being sharp and witty even at 1 am, only throwing up once, not having to miss anything because I was too hungover or too sick; one full year free from alcohol and in so many other ways … free … and grateful. |
| Wed | 3/25/2015 | I am grateful for the time I get to spend with my niece and nephew. Today was a beautiful afternoon shared with Alma, noticing blossoms, finding balloons, listening and singing along to songs, enjoying the warmth of the sun while relaxing on a swing. I’m also grateful for a delayed start to my work day this morning and for all the work that has had me out and about, here and there. |
| Tue | 3/24/2015 | I’m grateful I finished my book for Entrepreneur Book Club and that I learned from it … I’m grateful for knowing how to make such delicious red chile; I have a lot of pride in my red and I am humbled by the creation each time as those simple ingredients don’t seem like they can be so damn good … I’m grateful for food that nourishes my giddy and unfocused mind creating instant calm … I’m grateful for my brownness; lips, gums and all. |
| Mon | 3/23/2015 | I’m grateful for a nice nighttime walk through the neighborhood … Finding my fried egg bahn mi fix, what an absolutely delicious bargain Coda Bakery is … I fell into an old story earlier, complaining about the hot and cold of spring. But I realize that I am grateful for this weather. I’m glad it’s not all cold or all hot. It is a wonderful mix of the two and I’m grateful for it and the layered clothing that makes it comfortable. |
[/su_table] [su_note note_color=”#e7e7e7″ text_color=”#686767″ radius=”0″] My gratitude journey started in May 2011 and continues to this day. Thank you for being a part of it! A daily gratitude practice is simple. Write down three things you are grateful for each day. Download your free GratitudeGuide. My clients focus on gratitude and learn from their successes to make the positive changes they want in their lives. You can too. Call me to set up our first meeting 505.333.9336. [/su_note]